All I have I done today is try to stay alive. And now I am writing about it. As I felt the urge to get my feelings out. And as another way to keep busy. For me making myself accountable to help others puts further pressure on myself to not die.
I am not going to dance around the words and make them sound pretty because they are not. I want to die. And I do often and most days and some days that feeling is a lot stronger than other days. Some days like today I have hit my rock bottom.
I have been here before…
The last time I made a serious attempt to die was last summer and the police ended up out looking for me (family alerted them as I sent a text to my ex asking him to take care of the children etc). They found me calmed me down and took me to hospital. I feel so ashamed they wasted their time and resources on me. And so guilty I often sit and wonder if someone needed serious help but didn’t get it because of me and if they died or if they were hurt all because of me and why didn’t they just leave me to die? If I was choosing to kill myself leave me and go help someone who is in danger. Sometimes when I am rational I think, but I was in danger, my mind had taken over and was in danger of killing me. But I don’t think or accept that for long.
I know I have good things in my life …BUT
I have a lot to live for and I don’t. I have three gorgeous children a teenager and two pre-teens. I had my children young, so I am only just turning. My age is one of the things I have always been guilty and embarrassed of. Having them so early. My son has often been embarrassed as two of his friends have sisters my age! My kids are my world. And I won’t go into detail as to why or what I feel I have done wrong to them. I am separated from their dad and this was a bad relationship and is one of the things I struggle with. I feel like my kids deserve so much better than me. That if I wasn’t here it would be better for them. They could move on, maybe their dad will find a good step mum and they can learn to forget me and even hate me. So that they never become like me. So, they don’t look up to me. I am damaged goods and I made bad decisions. I want more for them. I want to be more for them. Part of my illness has meant I lost some of my access with them. For the 5 years after leaving their dad I had full custody due to some of his issues and he saw them 3 times a week. When I made a serious attempt to die, we were already in the middle of a long court case. And to cut it short the court feared mental health and wrongly (as agreed by many professionals and other legal people) give him full custody and me access 3 and then 4 times a week on a two-week rota. This almost destroyed me and is something I struggle to live with, each week as do the children.
The point is…
So back to my point. I think I said the above to help seal my love for my children. So that whoever may read this doesn’t think or assume I don’t love them. As that is far from the case. And, to help show I do have things, big things, to live for. So often people think or assume that someone who is suicidal has no one, or nothing to live for or are blind to see it. That isn’t the case or is isn’t for me. It is that I don’t want to be the burden and bad influence I believe I am on those I love more than I love my self!
I want to die almost daily. Some days its like a quite whisper you shrug off. A feeling you get when your driving your car and you think ‘oh if I just take this next bend too fast ill hit that wall, die, and people will think it was an accident’. Then other days I can’t seem to see a logical reason at all for me being alive. I struggle, and I try to ignore it and carry on. Its like someone is blasting music so loud in your head and trying to hear everything and everyone else around it instead.
Sometimes life happens, and I can’t deal with it. I have this week dealt with further rejection from a parent, issues in a relationship, being let down by a family member, dealing with my ex, my kids missing me, money worries and scary health news and being in pain daily with my auto immune disease. When it all got just too much. I drank and I self-harmed. I stopped drinking just towards the end of summer last year because I don’t handle my drink well. It often gives me the courage to self-harm or worse. But this week I fell off the wagon. I felt like a boiling pan and the water was now spilling over. So, I hit the bottle and self-harmed. I had just decided I was going to walk to a local cliff, take my knife try to slit my throat and jump of the cliff. I was just sending a neutral message and was going to leave. When someone unexpectedly turned up and walked into my house and caught me with a knife, cuts to my arm and drink in hand. I can not honestly say if I would have gone to the cliff or not. I’d like to think I wouldn’t have.
I don’t want to die
Today, all day I have had a burning desire you could say, to end my life. But I do not want to inflict that pain on my children. I want to be there for them. Because as much as I might think I am not good enough for them. They love me, they miss me, so who am I to take that away from them.
I have spent today battling my head. Doing all I can to be stronger than my mind. I went to my psychologist (who is no help and I don’t gain from her sessions). I drove home in tears, I have cried so many times and so hard today. I have had so many thoughts and feelings and feel like I have physically been fighting as the day draws to an end. I said to myself this afternoon. 1 hour at a time. Get to the next hour. Keep busy, knit, play with the dogs, scroll social media, try to nap, read your gratitude journal, write in your gratitude journal, I have written down the events I have coming up with the children such as parent’s eve and my birthday next week. I have a memory box and all the other things I have made from my ‘I am me’ workbook that you can find if you click here.
It’s now early evening and I have someone coming around for tea. Someone who I won’t talk to about how I feel and who ill sit and watch tv with or take my dogs for a walk with or ill sit and knit knowing I am someone to keep me safe.
Tomorrow is a new day. It could be another strenuous battle like today. I plan to workout first thing to get my anti-depressant fix (exercise is the most underutilised anti-depressant). I will then take each hour at a time and try not to put any pressure on my self to do anything more. Except attended my son’s parents evening (where I will try not to cry when his teachers tell me how amazing he is and how well he is doing, as my son hates it when I do that). I will also try not to let it get to me that I must stand with and talk to a man who mentally and physically abused me (my ex). But I will.
Why did I write this and be so open?
I haven’t written this as a sympathy note or look how hard my life is. Because yes, it is hard, but I am sure yours is too. I am sure you have had bad things happen and demons you must battle. We all do, and mine is nothing special and isn’t particularly bad. But what we all don’t do enough is TALK. We don’t talk about mental illness, we don’t describe. I mean we all know what happens when you break your leg, but we haven’t all broken our leg. We are educated and inundated at times with what child birth feels like, they have even invented machines so that men can feel that the pain is like too! But we don’t all talk so openly and educate each other about mental health. What it is like, how it feels, how long it lasts, is it every day or just some days, does it hurt, do you know your crazy, are you crazy? None of us talk about this stuff some of us not even to those closest to us. So, for some reason I do and I am doing. The things I openly share in my support group are hard and is one of the reasons I am strict about who is in the group in a sense. It is strictly for those of us who suffer mental illnesses. It isn’t one of those groups where I say ‘today folks add as many people as you can to win this free makeup brush!’ No none of that thank you. In my group I open up, I cry (often) on lives, I feel ashamed and guilty and embarrassed most days about what I share. But then sometimes some one sends me a message and it gives me hope. It makes me feel like all my pain and shame is worthwhile! They tell me how I have helped them, or have they feel like someone actually understands them. To me that makes what I do worth it! It makes me feel like even if just one person doesn’t feel so alone, lost, scared or ashamed today from reading this then it was a good reason I fought so hard to stay alive and that I let all my feelings out on my keyboard!
At the minute I am having suicidal thoughts, I am not suicidal. But I am also determined. I have battled many monsters in my time. And I won’t let my own head be the monster that defats me. I will continue doing all I can to become STRONGER THAN MY MIND!
If you are not already in my support group and would like to join this is the link. If you would like to follow me and see updates then please like my page which is shown at the bottom of this page.