We have all been there right?
The toddler is having a huge meltdown. A big full on tantrum.
It seems to have exploded from no where from one tiny little thing ? Literally like they’re crying over spilt milk.
Anyone with kids will be nodding along and saying “amen to that sister” right about now.
If you don’t have kids, how many times have you been out and about and you see a toddler royally kicking off? I bet it makes you think twice about having kids yourself right?
Lets peak behind the tantrum
But I want to strip things back a little. I’m no perfect parent, really am not. But when my kids tant or lose their rag I’ve always looked at what I’ve done wrong. I’ve always been mindful of the fact for them to get to the point of a tantrum/melt down they’ve had to build up to that. So, I’ve clearly missed something or got something wrong for it to appear like they are suddenly kicking of over nothing. Now don’t get me wrong. Sometimes it’s a simple as they’re tired. So, I won’t scream and shout because I know how cranky I get too when I’m tired. Last thing I need is someone yelling at me. I want comfort and support and reassurance that sleep will come again some time soon. At the end of the day, that’s all the tantrum tired toddler wants too. A cuddle or soothing and reassured.
Or maybe they have suddenly started a tantrum right when I need it the least. I’m in the middle of trying to get some work done at my desk and now great, in they walk with a tantrum. They have been pestering none stop for ages and now this. Great just what I need. But wait. Let’s strip it back. Are they setting out to piss me off? Do they enjoy tanting? Nope!
Every action has a reaction
They’re reacting. A tantrum is always a reaction. They’re young, they don’t understand work and time the same way we do. They’ve peeped in several times and in their own way have been saying “hey mummy I’d really appreciate some of your time right now” and each time I’ve said no. Wouldn’t you be hurt if you kept asking a loved one to meet you and they always took a rain check? Then the next time you ask and the rest arrange again you flip out. You can’t help but say “what the fudge is going on with you!?” That’s all that’s happening here. The toddler is feeling unloved and lacking the attention they grave. They don’t understand why you can’t give it to them right now. So the tantrum is a reaction to that emotion.
Is this a parenting blog ?
Let’s use this info to look at our tantrums?
I have a mental illness called borderline personality disorder aka emotionally unstable personality disorder. It makes me highly reactive and sensitive in situations. To one person they see spilt milk, mop it up and crack on with their day. To me, I see spilt milk, my whole days a disaster am annoyed with myself for spilling the milk and devastated I can’t make a brew now. I’m worthless I’m stupid I’m a mess and I feel really angry and hurt.
I have adult tantrums a lot
This week I had some bad news that I felt I should have had more control of. That if I would have done more it wouldn’t have happened. It really upset me. I was very emotional and felt so upset. I then had more and more bad news pulling on top. I wanted more control of my emotions and moods. Then it dawned on me. I’m having a tantrum and what do/did I do when my kids have tantrums. I paused and stripped back what the tantrum was really about. So how about I apply that to myself. So let’s take the milk metaphor for example and strip it back.
I’ve spilled the milk. I’m stupid, I’m worthless, I’m so upset with myself and the situation. But really what it says is. Nicola you struggle with the believe that your a good person and a worthy person. And now spilling milk is to you confirming that your worthless. You can’t even keep a bottle of milk safe. It’s affirming your believe your worthless. Which makes you upset. So your not so upset about not having a brew. That can be solved by going to the shops for more milk. What your really upset about is the confirmation your worthless and the disappointment in yourself for not meeting your own high standards. So, in reality. Spilling milk doesn’t make you worthless. It makes you careless, it makes you human, it means these things happen. It doesn’t mean your not worth a cup of tea. Why do you feel so worthless?Because of deep rooted believes cemented during childhood (id go into more here but this isn’t and doesn’t need to be that type of blog, the point for this blog is I’ve found the source of my emotion). But that is what am working on. Undoing those deep rooted believes. Tell you what, forget the milk. Let’s go get a milkshake and speak to a friend who will cheer me up.
I’ve stripped it back and got to the problem. I haven’t let me demons run wild and cause me a huge emotional outburst. I’ve just taught my bpd who is boss!
So, next time your feeling an overwhelm of emotions. Next time your having a tantrum. Treat yourself with kindness and strip it back. Ask yourself why your feeling the emotion you and work through it to get to the real cause. Then treat yourself accordingly with some self love that feels right for that particular situation.
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