So, the boring and statistical parts; I am currently 30 (wow how did that happen!) I am a mother of 3 children (I know, I know I did start very young haha). I have 1 handsome boy who is currently 13 (the teenage years have begun, save me now!) and two gorgeous girls who are 10 and about to turn 9 in a matter of days. I am a level 3 qualified personal trainer and nutritionist and also level 3 qualified person-centred counsellor. I have also done an Access course which included Human Physiology, psychology, sociology and health studies I gained distinctions in every assignment (that noise you hear right now is me blowing my own trumpet!). I also went to university for three years and was studying Law, I was in my third year and on par to get a 1st when I left (details will follow as to why). It was during the ‘break’ from law I qualified as a personal trainer). My ice breaker answer is always how I have met Peter Andre several times and have his tattoo, I am a little bit every so slightly massively obsessed with that epic male creature!!!
So, life is shit… isn’t it for everyone?
I won’t bore you with my entire life story, that is sure to be a big book one day! However, here is a rough snippet. My childhood was horrendous, and it would be too difficult for me to write about and also probably too difficult for many of you to read. All I will say is imagine some of the worse possible scenarios and the ones who are meant to love you the most doing the most unthinkable of things. That is that nutshell covered….phew, even writing that ‘snippet’ has my eyes filling up, my heart racing, my hands shaking and my mind saying Nicola stop stop shhhhhhss don’t go there. So to say it still affects me greatly is an understatement. I am hoping one day I will be strong enough to talk a lot more openly about it and try and help other children and adults who have or are in that situation. I then went rather wild as teenager, school was a challenge for me, I had an anger management card (that I always forgot to use, I was meant to flash it before an outburst and leave to visit the ‘anger room’ I always remembered the card after I had an outburst ooops). I had dyslexia and dyspraxia so I was bullied slightly in school for this also and found work doubly hard than others. However, I did ok as I studied lots at home and during the school holidays. I had one thing that was only getting worse though, I hated my self and I hated life.
I attempted suicide in year 9 of school and was mentally assessed but the focus shifted due to other reasons I can’t go into but related to the difficult topic above, so I never ended up being dealt with. I then went on to self harm and discovered vodka. I was off the rails to say the least. One of my mums ways of ‘looking after me’ was to take me with her to the local pub as she couldn’t leave me (she could have not gone out but we won’t address that) so at 15 I was stood in pubs drinking larger and smoking cigarettes thinking I was super cool and that despite how ugly I was at least I was behaving like an adult. I had just turned 16 and my self harming was getting dangerous, I had secretly attempted to take my own life again. My brother caught me and told me I was doing it wrong, this made me angry and I was then cut off by my mum coming home from work so I just self harmed again instead because I didn’t want her to safe me. It was bank holiday (a 3 months after my 16th) so of course mum wanted to go out and took me with her. I met a man, he was 20 and we began to date! My mum let him come to the house to see me but she got annoyed that he wouldn’t take me out and only came to see me at home. He would ring the house phone every night at 10pm to give my curfew and make sure I was home, if I was late I would be in big trouble!! My mum got sick of this she said if he couldn’t take me out and was going keep ringing all the time I couldn’t see him anymore. I left the house in the middle of the night and walked several miles to go to his house and moved in that day. My mum never asked me to come home nor did she allow me to when I asked several weeks later. I spent all my days in our room not allowed to leave due to the men that would be downstairs seeing his brother. I tried to leave but had no where to go. I then got pregnant with my son. To say he was jealous and possessive is a mild understatement, to give a brief insight, he picked what I wore, he checked on me several times a day, I couldn’t open curtains tell post man had been, I couldn’t look at the TV if a ‘good looking’ man was on etc etc. After 6 ½ years and two more children later and three failed attempts at leaving him. I finally left!!! FREEDOM!!!
FREEDOM Time to be a teenager again
So I was free and I wanted to live I wanted to be the teenager I never got to be and I did ish for a few months. I went out to pubs and I even wore whatever I wanted. I wore skirts (with tights on but for me that was a major major step!) and I went to college (to do the access course). To cut a long story short after several years of my ex still controlling and causing all manners of problems for me and the children we started a court battle. I wanted him to have set days and times with the children away from me and meaning no contact between us would be needed just set days set times and set drop offs. I was not at university studying law so I represented my self at court as I couldn’t afford a solicitor. I hadn’t yet studied family law so I was clueless but knew how to prepare court documents and how to behave in court to a certain extent. The court cases dragged out for several years. The case was over! Uni was hard, taking care of three children and doing a law degree was even harder, dealing with my ex and court was tearing me to shred, having cafcass talking to my children was killing me. But it was over, I had mentioned to people I was having troubling thoughts about ending my life. But we put it down to all the pressure of the court cases and uni exams etc. We went on holiday and I left my mum in charge with sending a final email to finalise the court order (I won’t go into this but she never did it and this had catastrophic consequences). I was having more and more scary thoughts I was struggling, but I kept plodding on. I asked to work from home for a while and contemplated quitting uni but everyone refused saying I was so close to the end so I carried on and on even though I hated it!
I wanted it all to be over FOR GOOD!
I hated how everything was I hated what I had put my children through with court. I hated how there life was now going to divided so much between us both. I felt I was a terrible mum and not just in the normal sense we all say but I literally felt a danger to my children. I felt my own childhood could impact them I felt I wasn’t good enough in anyway shape or form for them. I have no idea what happened to me or where I went but I was gone. I wasn’t here. I had no idea where I was or how to find me. I decided the best thing for everyone involved was for me not to be here. I couldn’t bring anything positive to any bodies life and I was so so tired of being a burden and causing pain to my children. I picked their father I stayed for too long and now I dragged them though court and Cafcass going to their school! They needed deserved better than me. So for the most unselfish reasons you can think of. I got very drunk and I tried to hang myself. In making sure my children were taken care of and would not be brought back to my house in any circumstances people got suspicious. I remember someone jumping on me and cutting the rope round my neck and fighting telling them no. I felt so close to leaving. I remember the ambulance man telling my mum that if they would have been 30 seconds later I would have been gone. I remember thinking well why did you do it then! I was so angry with them but was unable to talk. I was took to hospital, I don’t remember getting there or anything else for a few days after that.
How do you come back from the end and when it only gets worse!
So as you can tell things got beyond bad! I was in the deepest darkest place you could be. I received immediate help via the hospital and then was seen at home daily for several weeks also. I was then given a counsellor for several weeks. My ex had been asked to have my children while I got better and we had said 4 weeks. I had no idea how I was going to go that long without seeing them but at the same time I couldn’t see them. Then my world fell apart. I got a sense of what I had done or attempted to do. I didn’t understand how I had got like that or how I could have even thought about doing that. Then the bombshell came, because my mum never finished of that email, the doors to court where still open. So, my ex used them, I was unable to represent myself now as I was a mess. I had to find a solicitor in a short time and to cut a story short I have since took the to court due to there huge mistakes and won! However, due to there errors and despite letters of social services, doctors, counsellors saying I was no harm to my children. My ex won at court. I have been told so many times how wrong this decision is but there is nothing that can be done. There was no error in the law as it it’s a law of opinion not fact thus no process for appeal. I felt like I had died. I still find this difficult to this day and I wish I was dead and didn’t have to cope with this pain every single day but I will not leave my children. I now have just under shared access of them but for me that is not enough even shared access wouldn’t be enough.
How do I make it day by day
So you all know roughly what I do as this is my website, and I have written this as my background story rather than how I now cope, that can be found on my about me section etc. And truth be told this has been harrowing to re tell and I am very emotional and just want it to stop.
I am becoming stronger than my mind! I am fighting with my demons on a daily basis and I will never stop. I will get to a point where me and my demons are friends and we learn to get along. I am under no illusion that mental illnesses can be cured. Hence why I don’t say I will rid my demons as they are here to stay. But I will and I am learning to become friends with my demons and I am helping others do the same too. If I had to go through what I did just to help others and hopefully prevent anyone else from suicide then so be it my task against mental illness will never be over and I hope to be known as the girl who went through it all came out the other side and held everybody’s hand to help them across too.
I have been unable to read this back to myself to check spellings and grammar etc so if it doesn’t read correctly my apologies but it was hard enough to retell let alone re read!